I let that go...

I heard something a couple weeks ago, and cant get it out of my mind- Don't let your past define you. We all have bad things happen, to us, by us, in us, around us, but we have the choice to forgive and really let them go, or let them define us.

For a long time now, I've seen myself as a victim and offender of damage. I've definitely despised myself for being the girl that got herself into that mess, hated myself and others for who it "made" me now.

"You really gotta let that shit go...". Not because it didn't happen, or because it wasn't bad though.

He says if I forgive and walk as the daughter I am, my past doesn't define me. Refusing to forgive the things that have happened just make me the person i and everyone else believe it made me. 

Its saying, the damage my past has caused is more real to me than how He sees me in Christ. My ashes are so powerful, they've made me too dirty for Your beauty.

"Remission" is in the definition of forgive, and "remit" means, "to put back into a previous position or condition.".

I can forgive the other characters in my story now, and myself. The Lord IS bigger than my past, and no matter what has happened or ever does happen, what He makes me is what I am. 

"I refuse to be defined by the problems of my past...". Or even current ones.
I wanna be defined by Him.

It may take a little time, but that's okay.
The facts that I'm seeing and writing this are proof of that type of miracle :).

Seek Me.

Seek. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. Seek His righteousness. Seek Him.

Oh, you have needs? Seek Me. Sara, are you worried? I'm still here, seek Me. There are conflicts, huge and tiny. Do you seek Me? Your past or present or future seem overwhelming at times, or maybe you think you have it handled and you're doing fine. Please, still, seek Me. You don't understand, don't know what to do, can't find your place, purpose, calling- still, the answer is to seek Me. Just ME.

This is my mantra lately, the tug-o-war of thoughts in my mind and heart. Maybe every young christian mind and heart. I am not unique in my position of the stereotypical "finding your way" young person. I know. I just want to pretend a moment that I am though, and that this is the most consequential thing in the world.

You know what they say- "you are 100% unique. Just like each of the other 6 and a half billion people in the world."
Or something.

So, pretend with me. Humor me. What am I here for? As in, alive, what is my purpose? How the heck do people live? Even if I could just figure out how to deal with my own shit, be happy and stable, (which I get close to occasionally) without fail the Lord places someone or multiple someones in my life who's problems mesh very badly with my own. I've decided that to be a part of life. He's doing something with it... Okay. I wish I could have an, "I see whatcha did there." moment.

I'm embarrassed to think of anyone actually reading what I write, realizing that anyone who has or does realizes also how often I struggle with this. But transparency should happen more in our world, so lets say I'm out to up the levels.

I think I've been kinda mentally whining to Him about it, a lot. And the more I mentally whine, the more I hear the somewhat exasperating opposing answer from Him yet again. "Seek ME." Not a purpose. Not meaning. Not value. Not worth. From family, friends, my employers, the checker at the grocery store, homeless bum on Avenue D, or myself. Even from Him. Just. Seek. Him.

Is it enough of a purpose for me to be created to seek Him, and that to be my life? Do I have to have a value, a worth, separate from that? Can I demand that from Him? He made me, He loves me, He wants me. He knows what "I" need and want, but that I will only be happy in fulfilling the purpose I was created for. Seeking Him.

Back to that transparency I mentioned. My answer to my own questions is that, I'm really struggling with not demanding. I'm not the 5 year old in pigtails and bows in the grocery store checkout, wailing at her mother til sobs shake her little body, snot and slobber and tears create a toxic torrent toward her chin, and everyone within 6 and a half miles knows she NEEDS a ring pop sucker to rot her baby teeth. But I AM the child persistently whining in a quieter, yet still annoying pitch, tugging on the arm that has the ability to grant my incessant request for what I want, and pouting with an internal scowl when I get answered unsatisfactorily. We all know it's just as bad, she just doesn't incite as many headaches.

That's truth. It is a current struggle. But I know where I'm going... He's taking me to it, and I want to go. He is Lord, my Creator, Savior, and Redeemer. He wants to be my All, and my heart IS on board that boat. I think, (hopefully soon, cuz bad attitudes don't make anyone happy) I'll be able to internally say with the well behaved, unspoiled little girl at the grocery store, "I'm okay." I have all I need. I have Him.
So, I am seeking.

Just Him

I started to blog tonight, going to vent and try to sort out my thoughts... Got halfway through my post before realizing, I don't need to blog, I just need Him. He's the answer anyway. I love Him, and He loves me. All my worries, all my cares and problems, He will take, He wants to take. And answer too, He wants to fix them.
Thank God. Truly.

Healing

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Alive

There are always firsts, but there are also lasts... And I'm on my last few hours of being 24.
In less than 2 hours, I'll be halfway to 50. I've officially lived a third of the average life span. My mom was 25 when she had me, her second child. She had already been a mom for 4 years... That's my tomorrow. Except obviously not.
My tomorrow is also just life. My life. I was telling a friend the other day, I've stopped saying, "it'll get better", because it doesn't get better. Han said yesterday, it just gets different. I'm okay with that. Every "getting different" brings growth- it is growth, life. I'm okay with life. Yes, situations are hard. Some of them are hell, and I hate them. Sometimes I want to quit, run away and hide, burrow into bed and cry indefinitely. But in the end, I want to live, fully and cleanly, in him. Without Him, I can see how life would not be full of the underlying hope that makes it alive. That makes each new problem a situation of vibrancy and progress. But because of Him, because he IS life, in Him we're truly alive. I guess I'm just realizing everything that really means, and I love it.
Also on my mind lately... We are all the same. He paid the same price for each one, and I deserved punishment and judgement no less or more than anyone else. Yet I feel I can judge or criticize, oh so often. When I realize this, all I can think is, Lord, please help me love. How twisted I am to think anything other. And how far away I am from living it.
Anyway. Happy Birthday to me, and truly, truly, thank You, Lord, for another year to learn to truly live.... I love Him. And I'm so thankful I'm loved.

Carving

Carving out my future. I was told that is what we young people are doing now, at this age, in our lives. My reaction? That's terrifying. I'm not qualified to carve out a day, let alone a whole future.
After everything lately, I feel I have what is coming down to two options. I can either seek Him, and do what He says, or I can not. And everything comes back to that choice. So, in that way, yes, I'm carving out my future. But I think it's more like choosing between letting Him carve it with me, or carving it by myself.
I keep thinking, what next? After all my asking myself, I'm still not getting an answer. I know I never will. I'm asking Him now instead, and I believe He'll answer. I also fully believe He'll continue saving and healing the messes in and around me.
I love that HE is the redeemer, justifier, savior, mediator. I love those words, I love that He is those words. For me.

(Un)prepared.

There are some things, some times in life, that I just can't think about.
Its not that I won't process, it's that I physically can't. I feel like some of the things that happen are too much, so what can I do but just hold on? Until it's here, and I have no choice.
There are things I know are coming, and there are the things I am blindly trampled by, but either way, I am affected the same way- I come out feeling like I went through an emotional meat grinder.

Trust You

Sometimes I wish I could erase the past... That I could change, shape and create my world, my life. But the longer I live and the more I see, the more relieved I am that I am not in charge.
Trying to control things is slowly killing me. Hoping, wishing, trying so hard to make everything always work. Never willing to just call it quits, because where I invest myself becomes my life. My friends, family, work. But. I'm not in control. And sometimes, I think I'm actually fighting God. Not just that, but I see... If I wait long enough, whether that is a year, a decade, ten days or a night of crying, I never would have wanted my way.
Not seeing full pictures, only seeing the parts you know, screws with truth. It skews perspectives, and causes hope to be placed in all the wrong places.
Another thing I'm learning, he is the only one who will never disappoint. He never fails, and everyone else, everything else, even myself, will.
Life is hard. But I'm not as crazy as I've thought. I just have to trust the One who made me first, and trust everyone else to be filtered through Him. Because He's truly the only One who is trustworthy.