black+blue

And I've been meaning to say this to you.
My heart isn't black and blue anymore
And your words don't mean a thing
When they're sung in vain

Maybe I was wrong
I only remember feeling so alone
This isn't were I meant to lay down
But you dug this grave
Fits me perfectly
And if you're asking if I'm over love
You're a fool to believe
That you gave me some

It's been raining here like it never should
And I can't help but believe it's because you're coming
And if a child wants to run away and a child wants to
hide
Oh, don't come following your fantasy,
Cause you might be surprised she'll run right back
inside

Maybe I was wrong
I only remember feeling so alone
This isn't where I meant to lay down
But you dug this grave
Fits me perfectly
And if your asking if I'm over love
You're a fool to believe,
You're a fool to believe that you gave me some.

for the love of rain

memorabilia #1

Mason and I have a morning routine, part of which is driving around while he sleeps after dropping Reagan off at school. Unfortunately for my budget, my second coffee of the day has also become part of that routine, which I then drink while reading my book in the Starbucks parking lot.
Today I parked, with my coffee, and turned off the windshield wipers... and then the car. Rain. Mason sleeping in the back seat, no music or talking, no sound but rain on the roof. I melted.
I adore the sound of rain. So many memories come flooding in, every time I hear the "dink, dink, plink, plip, plop" of little droplets on any surface. The instant desire of either grabbing a blanket, coffee and a favorite loved one, or snatching up the nearest little person and dragging them out to jump in puddles is nearly overwhelming. What can I say? My mama trained me too well!
I love rain because she loves rain. I love what she loves partly because it's amazing, and partly just because I love her, and so many memories of it have to do with her.
Countless times my mama pulled me outside, excitedly tromping through mud puddles, waiting for cars to drive by while we held our breath and squealed when they hit the edge of the knee deep lake I was standing in.
Possibly even sweeter are my memories of sitting quietly with her and whichever siblings, wrapped in blankets on her lap, while she rocked us on the porch swing, rain pounding on the leaky porch roof. Sometimes it was not so quietly, listening to thunder, watching the lightning, shrieking, laughing or shouting over the noise of the downpour. Occasionally running out to the middle of the back yard and standing with our (generally grubby) faces turned up and mouths wide open to catch the rain drops.
Ever more often it happens as I get older... I have moments of realizing how blessed I am to have the parents and family I do. I see our flaws more clearly, our weaknesses, and I understand that we are human. Yet each time I turn to listen and laugh at Reagan's made up stories, I think of my mama telling my 6 year old self to "let Caleb tell his three year old stories, even if they aren't true, he doesn't understand yet, and he just wants us to listen." Playing follow the leader in the middle of a public park last week, chasing around a 2 year old in my black flats and the mud and not caring how ridiculous i look, i thank her for. Going home at the end of the day with a sticky face and dirty shirt from slobbery kisses and muddy size 6 shoes, and valuing it even when these kids that aren't mine drive me insane, is all her fault. Because she taught me by example the value of people, and that loving and treasuring them is always right.
All of this doesn't begin to do her mama-ness justice. I basically was just born with an incredible woman for a mother.

gaaaa.

I feel so confused and sick tonight. my mind physically hurts. I don't even know how that's possible.
I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not grumpy, moody, or hormonal. I'm sad, weary, overwhelmed and confused. my problems are too much.
so, shower, my brothers big T-shirt cuz I'm missin', ear buds, and bed. and I wish I could talk this out, but I just don't know what to say.

trippin' 2013

trip #1.

twenty-thirteen's first trip happened last weekend, because of a teeny bitty miracle. I couldn't handle not seeing Charlie Sue, so Han, Kat and I drove home for a mere 36 hours to hold my baby, and then turned right around to come home for work Monday morning. it was so worth it. I can't describe how much I adore that little girl.

happy birthday

it's my one year blogging birthday.

last year on this day I had way too much on my mind. I was stressed out, worried, distraught, depressed, struggling... and I couldn't think, couldn't talk. so I started blogging. my public online journal, basically. because it was therapeutic to share my thoughts with people, but I couldn't make my mouth open for another month or two at least. because a lot of it didn't make sense, and honestly, it wasn't pretty, I don't want to look at it anymore, and I've taken a lot of it down. I still have them, to see where I've come from, but I'm happy to move on now. It's past, and I don't need a lot of reminding.
one year... and I'm so much better. I'm happy and thankful, because we do heal, our lives do change. the edges that were rough are becoming smooth, broken thoughts and reactions slowly healing and adjusting. I've learned to talk, to my friends, my sisters and brothers, my parents. no more hoarding thoughts.
I still love my blog though:).
his mercy is amazing.

holding hands

one of my favorite things.

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand"

waiting for...?

25 is creeping up on me, closing in, peeking around the corner that consists of the 4 short months separating it and myself. I'm not afraid of a number. I'm not afraid of being a quarter of a century old. I'm not afraid of 30 being only 5 little years away (I say little because, think, a 5 year old? That's little.). No, despite those perspectives sounding intimidating, they aren't scary. Unless you consider one other aspect, and then I suddenly dislike the whole picture.
Getting older doesn't scare me, but wasting my life does. Yea, life keeps going on, but me going nowhere? That's what I'm concerned about regarding this next birthday.
What happened this year? Not, what did I accomplish, but rather, how did I live? Really, my all time nagging question, what is living anyway?
An easy fix isn't available I've realized. Simplicity though, I think, is. My question is slowly getting answered, possibly by looking under every wrong rock and trying each misleading option. I think subconsciously I have this endless thought, "maybe if I do this..." I'll find my place. A new job, a boyfriend, a husband, a baby, school, a better body, a better schedule, a vacation. A change of some sort. Yet every time I pursue something new I know almost immediately, this isn't it. And then I wonder, how much of this question comes from me, and how much from what I think others perspective of my life is?
That's the question, and the explanation of all the wrong answers that end up fixing nothing. In fact, it seems like they are the problem.
Reviewing my 24th year (what I've lived of it so far), I know what living is. My real relationships with my family, friends and God are what make my life. The pride and respect I've gained for my siblings this year, the people I adore that I have the "love and be loved", comfortable, honest relationships with, the arguments and fights and the working it out and knowing its worth our differences. The simple examples and advice I've gotten from each one who keeps loving me when I'm a mess. The opportunities I have to do the same when the tables are turned. The spiritual questions and struggles I have that only He can answer, that regardless of how stupid and lost they make me feel, bring me closer to Him alone. Him alone because each time I lose more of my belief of what I've learned and can only believe Him, and because He is all that's left, my only savior.
Life is simply relationships, with Him and people. Not recognizing that, and waiting for it to start by some "thing" changing, is the only thing that keeps me from living. I'm happy, and full. I have my place I always look for... the one I lose sight of by looking for it. It's as a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt now(!), and a nanny. Any place that I can love and be loved, that's my place.
I'm still going to do everything I'm interested in. But that's all they are- interests. Things I like, or that might improve me. I'm not needing them to be anything more than that.
I'm excited for 25. Not so excited that I'm going to start counting the days, heh hmm... But I am so excited for another year of life. I love all that it is, ups, downs, good and bad.
Yep, I just love it.

Grandpa

I got this from my dad today in reply to me asking him how he likes being a grandpa. He said,
"This is the 1 in 20 pictures of me that look good because I have a beautiful girl on my arm"
I think he'll be an amazing grandpa.

my favorite, favorite thing

This picture has to be my favorite. It has 3 of my most favorite people in it.

heart melting again

So so so precious. Technology is my best friend right now. I'd be dying if I wasn't getting these pictures from them daily.
She's wearing Hannah's hat. Gaaa, I love her so much!!!

tiny girl

Charlie Sue Zetterberg is my newest family member. I'm so proud.
She's beautiful. And her name...
Well. Isn't it the most freaking adorable name you've ever heard??
I've always loved the name Charlie for a girl. They just beat me to using it! It's okay because it's Ike and Abs, and cuz she's so dang precious.

another first

Life is slowly running out of "firsts"... And today one more of them was experienced. I am now a first time aunt to the most precious little thing I've ever seen. So proud of Isaac and Abby! I adore this little family.

abide with me

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,
But as Thou dwell'st with Thy disciples, Lord,
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Sick

Strep got the better of me this week! Actually, knocked me off my feet Thursday night and I'm still not up yet.

Sunday morning Wes had Brian come over and they all prayed over me... And I felt the Lord convict me of unbelief, very simply. Unbelief in him, in his goodness, his love, his care. In his word. And it's given me a lot to think about. Possibly where my problems keep originating?

After we prayed, the girls took me to the dr and I got antibiotics, which I've been taking since yesterday. They said my throat was very impressive. That must be why I couldn't really swallow anymore.

One year

Today to me is so much more than New Years. Today is the anniversary of help for me, of making choices, of finally doing what I knew I was supposed to, and of being "adopted" into an incredible second family, and that I have come to adore.
I can't believe all that's happened this year. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, moved to a different state, went on multiple eventful roadtrips, grew so much closer to my family and realized how much i adore and respect them, experienced amazing healing in relationships, developed new relationships I never dreamed of and value intensely, and so much else. I am shocked by how much I've changed, not just positively or negatively, maybe not either. I guess I don't even know, I just know I've grown. Falling, walking, trusting, doubting. But it has been a year of growth, I have seen miracles, and I am so thankful.
I'm excited to see what 2013 holds on its own, but also to change purposefully myself. I've realized more than ever that time just keeps fading away, and I can't hold on to it. Each year that passes, I get older, but I also miss so many chances. One goal for this year is for that to change, for me to pour my heart into doing and accomplishing things, and to actually find what I should be doing with my life. Even though I grew last year, I want to grow more. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
Starting with the things and ideas I know.
•Heal on purpose
•Learn the guitar
•Pursue him
•Get back in shape
•Take some classes or go to school
•Learn something I'm proud of
•Go to bed on time
•Find something or someone to support with my time and myself- to give to.

So Happy New Year! And Happy Anniversary to me, with a ton of thankfulness. :)