studdering mind

Probably going to be a little disjointed. I can't seem to talk or think clearly lately so, fair warning.

I've thought about blogging lately... but believe me, my emotional state and rational (?) state of mind fluctuate by the moment, not just the day, so to keep on top of things, I should be blogging, well, all the time. And I get easily overwhelmed, even by myself it would seem, thus the silence. Stability is what I pray for daily, and I know the He is working on it. This time is just the storm, a storm, but He's there, and teaching me. I'm learning, slowly, to lean on Him more. The more I do that, the more stabiltity I find.

Where to start. I'm working part time, which is code for random. I get hours when they want to give me hours, and in reality, I get everyone elses left overs. I'm not complaining,I'm thankful for work, but still struggling to fill my free time, and then not being grumpy that I have to work weekends when my people are off. I get tomorrow off, and I am happy about that. The dynamics at work are catty... girls. I hate working with dramatic girls. I'm so glad I didn't have to go to high school. Now if only they would grow out of high school... hmm. Lord help me.

Home is good. My heart expresses overwhelming thankfulness even when my mind and mouth are so inept.They are a lot lately. Every day I am blessed innumerable times by kindnesses and loves, undeserved and unasked for. This morning Wes took a good portion of time to show me how to check all the fluids in my car. I said thank you probably 5 times, if not more... but what I really wanted to say, what I'm trying to say so often lately, is "thank you for caring about me, thank you for doing this, thank you for loving me. I don't deserve it and I don't know how to say thank you." I feel it every day, every morning bible study, every time Han or Kat give me a random hug and say "I love you", Joseph or Naomi sit and just talk to me, Pamela makes sure I have my apron clean and ready for work, Stephen or Sam decide to make me laugh, or Amelia wants to bake cookies with me and tell me her stories. My never ending thought is that I am so undeservedly blessed. I want to cry after coming home from work on Sundays and hearing someone ask how I am and tell me "welcome home!".

After saying all of that, I admit that I love and miss my family monumentally. They definitely haven't been replaced, my "family" love has just grown. doubled, pretty much. I appreciate them more now than I ever have. I love being able to talk about them, brag about them all, and I know I do it a lot. Hm, maybe too much. But they're worth bragging about. I don't know many girls that can say they have 9 gorgeous, talented, hilarious siblings and 2 freaking amazing parents that love them like crazy. But I can. And like I said- I'm overwhelmed by how little I deserve it.

I still struggle, floundering along. I know how blessed I am, yet life is so full of feelings. Extreme is me. I am either sky high or 6 feet under in mood, occasionally both at once. It's legitimately not hormones, just character. Harder to change, and more consistant, unfortunately. He's able, and doing. Someday I might be able to read one book at a time, stick to one diet for more than a week, and run 2 miles daily instead of going a week making excuses and then killing myself running six. I'm plagued with feelings of ineptitude and unworthiness. I "know" none of us are worthy. And then I "know" that I am behind in life, slow, boring, talentless, lazy, plain and unknowledgeable. I'm relieved that He doesn't judge me based off of my abilities and assets. One of the downsides to being surrounded by incredible people, and realizing the amazingness of all of your siblings, is the natural inclination to compare yourself to them. Which in my case sucks. And gives me another opportunity to thank Him for His saving grace, and all the undeserved love I receive.

And speaking of love. Yeah, I know how I want to be loved. Overwhelmingly, undeservedly, unconditionally. I see people, examples... and it makes my heart hurt. I suppose every person wants to be loved like that. I want a man to love me like that.  It is easier right now for me to assume that won't happen, that there is no one left like that. I hate it that I know of know one available like that, that would want to love me through the mess that is me. Other than Him. And I hate myself for not adoring Him for the way He loves me. That's what I'm learning though, and how He puts up with my selfish humanity and ungrateful heart is yet one more example of an extreme love that even the most amazing man can't come close to.

I've been reading Jeremiah... and seeing His mercy so much. He loves and loves and loves. My mind keeps thinking "I wanna be loved like that" and then I realize I am. I'm still realizing. He's working on it, and I'm trusting, bit by bit. His patience and gentleness brings me to tears.

So that's me lately. Or some of me anyway. Still praying for a purpose, a way I can use my time, while learning to take the little tasks He gives me and be thankful. I am thankful!

hypocrites

I'm not easily annoyed. So... it makes me wonder.
Are they making an effort to be excessively hyprocritical??

On the other hand, I realize by this statement that I have no room to talk.

"Opinionated people annoy the hell out of me."

Yeah Sara... you are opinionated.
I kinda hoped I could avoid that category.

kinda feels like hypothermia

Maybe I'm just human, or just a girl, or just moody... or whatever other excuse I can come up with. Or maybe not. Maybe I still haven't figured out how to rest in Him, in obedience and peace. Maybe I still haven't come to a place of staying with Him. Maybe that's my problem. I'm still trying to figure it out.
I've realized that the more I try... the worse it gets. Today, as I was driving lethargically down the road, forcing myself to talk to God and tell Him my problems, I just realized how tired I am. I'm weary. Honestly... I want to just give up. I want to not care. And I desperately want to care.

Social events make me tired. Socializing makes me tired... making an effort to make people smile, to include myself or others in conversation, to respond to what people are saying to me. I don't want to try so hard... I miss the easy peace I've had before with friends and family. I miss not having to try. I don't feel like I'm being fake, I feel like I'm being nice. I am also tired of being nice. I miss my mom :'(.
I miss my friends... I miss the people I used to talk with, that I could pour my heart out to, and that would respond. The ones that I didn't have to try with, and that I could come away from a conversation without worry or fear, without feeling vulnerable and exposed... and scorned. I miss that. More than anything. I miss feeling my heart be soft and vulnerable and even hurting. I miss feeling alive.
I don't miss some things. I realize there is thankfulness mixed in this... I don't miss pouring my heart out to someone who would ridicule and analyze me. I don't miss being worried about making that person mad, every second of every day. I don't miss playing mind games and mental gymnastics with manipulative people. I don't miss the worry and stress, and the lack peace... I don't miss knowing that there were huge areas of my life completely unsurrendered to the Lord. At all.
I don't want to protect myself anymore... I just want to cry and mean it. I want my heart to break and be completely soft again. I just want to cast myself in His outstretched hands and stay there. I want so badly to just be held.
I know what this is, and even where it comes from. It is my own personal protective mechanism... what happens when things get hard.What I do when I hurt too much, instead of turning to my Father and letting Him heal or soothe my wounds, somewhere along the way I shut down... and I get numb. It happens so easily. I wonder if I will always have to struggle with this tendancy. Or maybe someday I will trust God consistantly enough to instinctively turn to Him.

I want to say I know the answer... I do know the answer. But I don't have the answer. Yet. Just being honest.

i already know.

He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? -Micah 6:8

Confession time. Lately I've been very self consumed... Just get that right out there. Thoughts of panic and anxiety, "what the heck am I going to do with my life", "where am I going", "what's in my future" and similar questions have been bombarding me to a ridiculous extent. I haven't been completely blind to it... the problem was definitely recognizable, but I've been doing the usual- try to fix it, make it worse. And believe me, it gets worse. It moves on to, "you have no skills", "you should improve yourself", "you're wasting time", "you won't get anywhere...". I should have known it was a very bad thought trail as soon as I started losing any peace. Anxiety never equals God. But I forgot, and what I didn't forget, I didn't fully remember.
Until today... it finally hit home. I can't fix this; all my worries? Irrelevant. I'm not my own. "My" future? No such thing. I've been bought with a price, and I belong to someone else. Im His bondservant. What does that mean, for right now, for me? What should I be doing with myself? I admit, I'm out of my comfort zone. I didn't even realize I would be. In my last home, I had my job to go to almost daily, my family to always spend time with, my mom always accepting and thankful for any help with the kids, chores always available to do, neighbor kids ever happy to do anything. It's different here. I have a job... and friends, for sure. But I am having the hardest time FILLING my time with constructive activities! I feel lazy, and my abundance of free time is causing me to waste time, thinking and and doing nothing. It really isn't a good thing. So argues my mind... Because obviously I can't just fill my time with Him. Ummm.
Of course I can. I can do whatever He chooses, whenever He chooses. And I know if I'm willing, there is plenty to do. It just may seem very insignificant to yours truly. But I keep forgetting, I belong to HIM. So if I can trust my future to Him, can't I trust my present to Him too? I know every day, He's given me a job to do. I already know... He already showed me. Seek Him, find Him, walk with Him. Do whatever He brings my way, and do it unto Him.
Truthfully, I know all of this is stemming from pride. There is a fear in me that what the Lord is calling me to right now is stupid, to me and to everyone else. What if He doesn't give me anything to do that I consider worthwhile? There it is again- I don't exist, so it doesn't matter anymore. And the best part is, He does exist. He is in charge, He has a plan, and if I will let Him, He'll even accomplish it.
And that's that. I know what will happen... I know what He wants. Me. Me to walk with Him. Actually, that makes me really happy. I've seen how amazing life can be, if I would just do it. It's pretty simple really.
Another thing that is more of a side note: I also know He loves me, and even though I have been bought with a price and I am not my own, I fully believe and trust that His plans are wonderful. I just know that my job is not to worry about that, it's only to seek after Him and walk by His side, letting go of everything and casting all my cares on Him. I know He cares, and He really wants to be my Father. I want Him to be.
So that is where this comes in.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.