Homesick

I love my life... I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm meant to do. But, I miss my last year and a half. These people are all home to me, both here and there. 

It doesn't just go away, I don't just forget and move on... it hurts.  Wish I could figure out how to be two places at once.

Miracles.

Monday was a big day for me. I ran into Andrew at the chiropractor. I haven't seen or talked to him in a year and a half, and even then we didn't really talk. We couldn't, there was so much there... a lot of anger, frustration, confusion, hurt.

The last 6 years were full of those things. The last year and a half I have spent slowly crumbling under the realization that I desperately needed the Lord to get over everything, to be spiritually and mentally healthy again. There were days I wanted to die, times I thought it would never ever change. Weeks, months even, where I couldn't imagine that the affects of those 4 years would ever leave me. I honestly thought some times that I would never be okay.

Guess what? I was so wrong.

Our God is a God of miracles, of deliverance, grace and healing. He LOVES us, so much. How do you express the inexplicable way you know He loves you, when you've experienced and seen it, been overwhelmed by it?? I can't, but I wish I could.

My favorite book of the bible is Isaiah, because of all the promises of miraculous healing based off of His love and goodness. One of my favorite verses I have on my side bar here on my blog: His promise of beauty for ashes, spirit of joy for one of mourning... It's now a 100% proven verse for me. That's what He's done.

I wrote a post recently about finally feeling steady, secure and whole. I do. This week, seeing him, I realized again- this was a real miracle, an absolute, God given and directed healing and miracle. I had no anger, no fear, no hatred. Just peace and confidence in my God. Because of Him, I'm free and happy, and whole. I'm okay.

Fixated

http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2013/08/from-glory-to-glory.html?m=1

"The Greek word for beholding in this verse is a very strong expression. It indicates not just taking a look, but "fixing the gaze." It means deciding, "I won't move from this position. Before I do anything else, before I try to accomplish a single thing, I must be in God's presence."

Something to think about :)

Lost and Found

"For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost."

Reading today, this little verse is what stood out to me. Can you imagine what His heart toward us is like?

Seek and save... That's amazing.

Fire Season

Woke up again to the smoke this morning. It feels like I'm living in a bonfire lately... I don't think it's good for me and this crazy cough that won't go away!

It's just fire season in Missoula and I know it happens every year. I had a funny thought though- what if we just thought that about life? Trouble comes I can't control... Oh, it's just fire season. ;)

I'm finally learning to look at life that way and stop freaking out when it all seems overwhelming. It's just another season to trust to Him.

Never Alone

Never alone 
When your hope has been broken 
And the fear is unspoken but true 
You're never alone 
Like a dream in a child 
Or a childish dream in you

I'll do anything that I can do 
To show you my love and comfort you

When you can't seem to find your way home 
And when life gets too hard 
To face on your own 
I will stand as a light through your darkest unknown 
I will walk with you 
So you're never alone

You're never alone 
Like a tear in the ocean 
Or a star on a clear winter night 
You're never alone 
When the courage you needed 
Has been all but defeated in you

I'll do anything that I can do 
To show you my love and comfort you

When you can't seem to find your way home 
And when life gets too hard 
To face on your own 
I will stand as a light through your darkest unknown 
I will walk with you 
So you're never alone 

Baby Sleepovers

I am head over heels for my niece. She is sassy, hilarious, sometimes a brat, incredibly intelligent, and only 7 months old. She also has a smile that can melt my heart and a giggle and can barely handle. I know I'm biased, but I'm also right.

She's been my little partner in crime lately. We've had a couple sleepovers, to give her tired, amazing parents a break;). She's going to be a gorgeous, opinionated genius with a whole lot of spunk. I'm terrified for her parents, but man, am I proud to be her aunt.

Flying Time

I used to play with their parents... now I play with them!
These are just some of my many cousins children, and of course my niece, Charlie Sue.
And they are a big part of what life for Sara in Montana looks like. Adorable;).

Steady.

It's been a long few years... a long 6 years I guess. I realized today, right after I got done mopping the floor and sat down with my cozy blanket, I am happy. I'm completely at rest. It has been years since I've been able to say that. I've been working on getting back to this place for the last 2 years, and its been crazy and rough for everyone involved. I finally feel healthy, whole, restful. I feel steady.

I know life will have ups and downs, just like always. It already does today. And that's perfectly okay now. Maybe you don't know, but I know just what an amazing miracle that is.

Morning Glory

This is so peaceful to me.

Beautiful

"Trusting Him is beautiful."
"I am wonderfully made."
"He loves me."

I was reading through my bible reading notes, and found this. I wrote it back in October, and at the time I was severely struggling. Struggling with feeling worthless, ugly, fat, disgusting, stupid, a burden, as well as other things. A lot of other things. I wrote it all down. But since then, since the deliverance He brought me then, and the work He's done since, I know He's changing me.

I know that I am beautiful. He made me, and adores me. Do you know how difficult it has been for me to say that? I am beautiful. Why would I worry that I am not good enough? Is my Creator not good enough? Why would I not be 100% gorgeous to the One who made me?
I know that I am.

And guess what? He's the one who made me that way. He's helped me to trust Him, and I know that He loves my heart, He loves my trust. It makes me beautiful. And He would love me even when I'm not trusting... He has. It is my Creator that makes me beautiful, full of worth, and cherished. He makes me valuable. How amazing is that?

Prove it.

I had this conversation recently... it was long, intense, thought provoking. Oddly enough, my favorite kind. Anyway, in this conversation, my beliefs were questioned. I am usually uncomfortable with that. I get flustered, try to evade the questions, change the subject. I'm ashamed, at my own weakness. But it's true, and I know it's a problem. The interesting thing about this was, I wasn't flustered. The Lord gave me clarity, and since that conversation, things have been different. Because it wasn't just clarity in the conversation, it was clarity for me.

Do you ever think about "why" you believe in God? As a Christian, I don't question it often. I just believe. But being put to the question, and basically accused of only believing how I do because I was raised this way, told that I don't think or consider things, that I don't actually process through what I've been told... that I have been brainwashed and don't have reasons for what I believe, really made me consider. I not only know that's not true, but I have reasons.

My life has been a normal life. And by normal, I mean, as crazy and random as anyone else's. My siblings were all basically raised like me, and yet we have all ended up making very different choices and stands, all believing different things. Why? Because we have experienced different things. The things I have experienced, personally, have made me choose how I have.

I have experienced God. I know He is real. I can't count the times I have known Him to save me, where I have been on the brink of disaster, stuck in a crazy, crazy mess. I know without a doubt that He is real, that He loves me, and has been personally involved in my life. I know Him to be my Creator, Redeemer, Savior, Justifier. He is incredible, and I love Him because I know Him.
It is as simple as that.

All I can think for my loved ones that don't believe, for anyone who doesn't believe, is that I pray He introduces Himself to you. I pray that you would experience Him, and that He would open your eyes to the times that He has been there before... that you would see Him, and not resist it. That you would let Him prove He is real, that you would believe His proof.

I don't know why I believe and others don't, but He does. And He also knows exactly all that it will take to convince them... all that its taken to convince me. I am so thankful, so thankful for all that Him being Lord means.

Goodness.

I know there are seasons. I know life is a series of ups and downs, back and forths, good and bad. A lot of the time, I forget and think whatever bad season I'm in will never change, or I feel I have to cling to whatever is good and am terrified of change in case i lose it.

I was up late last night, after sleeping all day... one month exactly of being sick. I've had this ridiculous cough
Anyway. I couldn't sleep, so I was catching up on my journal. I hadn't written in a while, and as I read through the most recent stuff and thought of all that's happened since, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness. I have the best friends, the best families, the best homes. And through all the changes, He never let's go of my hand. His goodness, love and mercy over me is overwhelming, and so undeserved. I can't put into words how thankful I am for His care and guidance in my life, that He adores me. That I know it. Why?

Because of His goodness. I love Him.

Life is full of changes. It will have seasons, ups and downs, good and bad. But I am realizing more fully, He is my anchor, and I have never loved that more.