I can't sleep. I'm kept up tonight first by the cascading torrent of thoughts clamoring for attention in my pitifully cold-congested head, and then by a spider that crawled across my hand before disappearing in the usual disturbing style known to arachnids. I did fling it, but still. It's crawling all over my bed, I know it.
Anyway. My thoughts. I am faced with a horrendous myriad of decisions and dilemmas right now. Finances, jobs, the question of school, family, where to live, how to decide, what is my purpose and place right now... where am I needed. As well as probably 15 mini, more immediate questions like what to do about my car, and can I afford to go to Idaho next week. I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I've been praying, asking Him for guidance. I know He wants to show me what to do, He wants to make the crooked way straight. And I know also that I have a difficult time trusting Him to do that.
Tonight I thought of the verses in Matthew that He's helped me with so many times... "Seek first the kingdom of Heaven and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you"... my reactionary thought to it tonight was strangely honest- I don't know if I can do this.
The precious thing is, this is His will, His plan. HE wants me to succeed as His child, and because of that, there's an abundance of grace, and that is what He is saying to me tonight. I don't know much, but I do know He has incredibly amazing goodness in His heart toward me, and is just waiting for me to ask Him for whatever it is that will make this life in Him work. I don't always believe or see it, but I know it is true. His heart is love toward me, and He is for this. And I desperately want my heart to be as fully for Him and His purpose as I can be. I want to love Him wholly.
I still really don't think I can do this. Honestly, I don't think I can live. I'm exhausted, worn out and tired. The truth is though, it is all fine, because He is not and this is His life. I'm just placing myself in His hands and starting with asking Him for help to just do what I know and not worry.
Because He has a determined, personal interest that my life in Him succeeds... so if I can't trust my Creator, who can I?
Matthew 6:30-34
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
