♪Top of the world♫

My smiling muscles are sore... 

Older Sister/Daughter/Friend.

I've been irritable lately. Here I am, 25, living at home again with my family, and who am I? The same snappy, bossy person I was 2 years ago? I realized this the other day and started crying... I am trying, trying, trying to fit everything and everyone in, and I have started missing the important things again, like PEOPLE.
I think I got upset with my sister every day for a week straight, if not even more. I am busy- busy cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, babies, kids, more babies, applying for jobs, grocery shopping, bible reading, helping my brother and sister-in-law, more laundry. They, on the other hand, are "lazy", or "disobedient", and "they're stressing me out". Lots of love pouring out of me :/.
It is so easy to stop listening to people and lose them in the mix of the truly unimportant. I have a tendency to be way more concerned about my sister getting the kitchen cleaned than I am about listening to how she had to deal with bullies at school, or boy drama, or her stress she isn't dealing with. More concerned that my brother is screaming at his sister than I am about WHY a five year old is even acting like that to begin with.
When I moved home, I know that Lord wanted me to just do one thing- be here. I love my family, and all I could see as a place for me to fill was to be an available listener, someone to love them.
I think I've started slipping back lately, focusing so much on the doing, and not on Him. I started focusing on fixing the problems, fixing the people. I cried last night, thinking how the Lord loves us... He wants that to be my life. Instead, I am trying to make everything work, and failing miserably. All it takes is a day or two and I can tell that I'm not depending on Him. And all this life in Him is about is depending on Him.
I think I've been given another chance at this older sister, older daughter thing... and I'm thankful for that. I know it really comes down to trusting Him, walking with Him, listening to Him. He's been showing me that lately, in all areas of life. All that matters is right now. I can't depend on yesterday's walk with Him to get me through today. In a lot of ways, I am closer to Him than I have been in a long time, yet this walk is not a race... It's a walk, and it doesn't matter where I've been, what my intentions are, or how busy I am... it only matters that I am mirroring the One I love, by looking to Him.

If.

If you were a chocolate,
I think you'd be a truffle.
With a hard shell on the outside,
And a smooth and fluffy middle.

If you were the weather,
A rainstorm is what you'd be.
You'd have a double rainbow,
Intense and gorgeous for all to see.

If you were a spice,
You'd be the most valuable one.
Your name would be Sassafras-
spunky and sassy and fun.

If you were a baby,
You would be my favorite thing.
You'd steal my heart and make me smile,
I'd always want to sing.

If you were my niece,
I know you'd be my girl.
You'd make me laugh, no matter what,
With every dance, and squeal and twirl.

You are all these things to me,
My favorite Charlie Sue.

Overwhelmed

Every once in a while, I am almost overwhelmed by the realization of how blessed I am. Watching Abby be the amazing mother she is to my niece the other day, I had one of those "once in a whiles". I'm so thankful for my amazing soon-to-be sister-in-law, and my brother for picking someone so perfect to join our family. And, of course, my very amazing, gorgeous, talented, sassafras-tic niece.

Skater girl

Best Mama

Oh, why.

Why does it have to be so hard? Every time I think we're getting somewhere, like it might be getting better, we collapse again through more unspoken misunderstandings leading to anger. I know there is progress, but without Him, it will never truly change.
I know it is worth it, that He is in the work of having a good relationship with you... I know that eventually, we will all see miracles. But for now we wait, and pray, and trust Him, for myself and for you... we both, we all, need Him.
What a thing to entrust your whole family to the One who knows them best. Why do I forget that nothing is worth shaking my trust in Him, that nothing can overwhelm our God.