studdering mind

Probably going to be a little disjointed. I can't seem to talk or think clearly lately so, fair warning.

I've thought about blogging lately... but believe me, my emotional state and rational (?) state of mind fluctuate by the moment, not just the day, so to keep on top of things, I should be blogging, well, all the time. And I get easily overwhelmed, even by myself it would seem, thus the silence. Stability is what I pray for daily, and I know the He is working on it. This time is just the storm, a storm, but He's there, and teaching me. I'm learning, slowly, to lean on Him more. The more I do that, the more stabiltity I find.

Where to start. I'm working part time, which is code for random. I get hours when they want to give me hours, and in reality, I get everyone elses left overs. I'm not complaining,I'm thankful for work, but still struggling to fill my free time, and then not being grumpy that I have to work weekends when my people are off. I get tomorrow off, and I am happy about that. The dynamics at work are catty... girls. I hate working with dramatic girls. I'm so glad I didn't have to go to high school. Now if only they would grow out of high school... hmm. Lord help me.

Home is good. My heart expresses overwhelming thankfulness even when my mind and mouth are so inept.They are a lot lately. Every day I am blessed innumerable times by kindnesses and loves, undeserved and unasked for. This morning Wes took a good portion of time to show me how to check all the fluids in my car. I said thank you probably 5 times, if not more... but what I really wanted to say, what I'm trying to say so often lately, is "thank you for caring about me, thank you for doing this, thank you for loving me. I don't deserve it and I don't know how to say thank you." I feel it every day, every morning bible study, every time Han or Kat give me a random hug and say "I love you", Joseph or Naomi sit and just talk to me, Pamela makes sure I have my apron clean and ready for work, Stephen or Sam decide to make me laugh, or Amelia wants to bake cookies with me and tell me her stories. My never ending thought is that I am so undeservedly blessed. I want to cry after coming home from work on Sundays and hearing someone ask how I am and tell me "welcome home!".

After saying all of that, I admit that I love and miss my family monumentally. They definitely haven't been replaced, my "family" love has just grown. doubled, pretty much. I appreciate them more now than I ever have. I love being able to talk about them, brag about them all, and I know I do it a lot. Hm, maybe too much. But they're worth bragging about. I don't know many girls that can say they have 9 gorgeous, talented, hilarious siblings and 2 freaking amazing parents that love them like crazy. But I can. And like I said- I'm overwhelmed by how little I deserve it.

I still struggle, floundering along. I know how blessed I am, yet life is so full of feelings. Extreme is me. I am either sky high or 6 feet under in mood, occasionally both at once. It's legitimately not hormones, just character. Harder to change, and more consistant, unfortunately. He's able, and doing. Someday I might be able to read one book at a time, stick to one diet for more than a week, and run 2 miles daily instead of going a week making excuses and then killing myself running six. I'm plagued with feelings of ineptitude and unworthiness. I "know" none of us are worthy. And then I "know" that I am behind in life, slow, boring, talentless, lazy, plain and unknowledgeable. I'm relieved that He doesn't judge me based off of my abilities and assets. One of the downsides to being surrounded by incredible people, and realizing the amazingness of all of your siblings, is the natural inclination to compare yourself to them. Which in my case sucks. And gives me another opportunity to thank Him for His saving grace, and all the undeserved love I receive.

And speaking of love. Yeah, I know how I want to be loved. Overwhelmingly, undeservedly, unconditionally. I see people, examples... and it makes my heart hurt. I suppose every person wants to be loved like that. I want a man to love me like that.  It is easier right now for me to assume that won't happen, that there is no one left like that. I hate it that I know of know one available like that, that would want to love me through the mess that is me. Other than Him. And I hate myself for not adoring Him for the way He loves me. That's what I'm learning though, and how He puts up with my selfish humanity and ungrateful heart is yet one more example of an extreme love that even the most amazing man can't come close to.

I've been reading Jeremiah... and seeing His mercy so much. He loves and loves and loves. My mind keeps thinking "I wanna be loved like that" and then I realize I am. I'm still realizing. He's working on it, and I'm trusting, bit by bit. His patience and gentleness brings me to tears.

So that's me lately. Or some of me anyway. Still praying for a purpose, a way I can use my time, while learning to take the little tasks He gives me and be thankful. I am thankful!