25 is creeping up on me, closing in, peeking around the corner that consists of the 4 short months separating it and myself. I'm not afraid of a number. I'm not afraid of being a quarter of a century old. I'm not afraid of 30 being only 5 little years away (I say little because, think, a 5 year old? That's little.). No, despite those perspectives sounding intimidating, they aren't scary. Unless you consider one other aspect, and then I suddenly dislike the whole picture.
Getting older doesn't scare me, but wasting my life does. Yea, life keeps going on, but me going nowhere? That's what I'm concerned about regarding this next birthday.
What happened this year? Not, what did I accomplish, but rather, how did I live? Really, my all time nagging question, what is living anyway?
An easy fix isn't available I've realized. Simplicity though, I think, is. My question is slowly getting answered, possibly by looking under every wrong rock and trying each misleading option. I think subconsciously I have this endless thought, "maybe if I do this..." I'll find my place. A new job, a boyfriend, a husband, a baby, school, a better body, a better schedule, a vacation. A change of some sort. Yet every time I pursue something new I know almost immediately, this isn't it. And then I wonder, how much of this question comes from me, and how much from what I think others perspective of my life is?
That's the question, and the explanation of all the wrong answers that end up fixing nothing. In fact, it seems like they are the problem.
Reviewing my 24th year (what I've lived of it so far), I know what living is. My real relationships with my family, friends and God are what make my life. The pride and respect I've gained for my siblings this year, the people I adore that I have the "love and be loved", comfortable, honest relationships with, the arguments and fights and the working it out and knowing its worth our differences. The simple examples and advice I've gotten from each one who keeps loving me when I'm a mess. The opportunities I have to do the same when the tables are turned. The spiritual questions and struggles I have that only He can answer, that regardless of how stupid and lost they make me feel, bring me closer to Him alone. Him alone because each time I lose more of my belief of what I've learned and can only believe Him, and because He is all that's left, my only savior.
Life is simply relationships, with Him and people. Not recognizing that, and waiting for it to start by some "thing" changing, is the only thing that keeps me from living. I'm happy, and full. I have my place I always look for... the one I lose sight of by looking for it. It's as a daughter, a sister, a friend, an aunt now(!), and a nanny. Any place that I can love and be loved, that's my place.
I'm still going to do everything I'm interested in. But that's all they are- interests. Things I like, or that might improve me. I'm not needing them to be anything more than that.
I'm excited for 25. Not so excited that I'm going to start counting the days, heh hmm... But I am so excited for another year of life. I love all that it is, ups, downs, good and bad.
Yep, I just love it.
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