Alive

There are always firsts, but there are also lasts... And I'm on my last few hours of being 24.
In less than 2 hours, I'll be halfway to 50. I've officially lived a third of the average life span. My mom was 25 when she had me, her second child. She had already been a mom for 4 years... That's my tomorrow. Except obviously not.
My tomorrow is also just life. My life. I was telling a friend the other day, I've stopped saying, "it'll get better", because it doesn't get better. Han said yesterday, it just gets different. I'm okay with that. Every "getting different" brings growth- it is growth, life. I'm okay with life. Yes, situations are hard. Some of them are hell, and I hate them. Sometimes I want to quit, run away and hide, burrow into bed and cry indefinitely. But in the end, I want to live, fully and cleanly, in him. Without Him, I can see how life would not be full of the underlying hope that makes it alive. That makes each new problem a situation of vibrancy and progress. But because of Him, because he IS life, in Him we're truly alive. I guess I'm just realizing everything that really means, and I love it.
Also on my mind lately... We are all the same. He paid the same price for each one, and I deserved punishment and judgement no less or more than anyone else. Yet I feel I can judge or criticize, oh so often. When I realize this, all I can think is, Lord, please help me love. How twisted I am to think anything other. And how far away I am from living it.
Anyway. Happy Birthday to me, and truly, truly, thank You, Lord, for another year to learn to truly live.... I love Him. And I'm so thankful I'm loved.