it is

let it be. let it go. it is what it is. just breathe. keep calm, carry on. leave it alone. don't worry.

tonight, I'm drained... I've talked too much these last few days, and it ALWAYS gets to my head when I do, unless everything goes super well and there's no misunderstandings. as long as communicating goes perfectly. but if it doesn't, and I feel misunderstood? my mind attacks me, viciously, like it's trying to self destruct with glass shards made of doubt and irrational anxiety. it works too, because I care about the people I talk vulnerably with, and I want them to think the best of me, I want them to understand me. so, my minds vicious masochism is effective. what to do.
time to let it go... that's all I can think tonight, with the side of my mind that isn't attempting to frantically hit the self destruct button. why do I keep acting like this? why do I keep worrying about people not understanding me? why do I try so hard to explain myself? why am so worried about anyone thinking negatively about me, about losing the people I love, about destroying the respect they may have for me?
because my past has trained me to be this way. day in and day out, I continue to allow myself to be subjected to my own past, to let it rule me and tell me who I am. I'm getting pretty sick of it. actually, I'm more than that. I'm done with it.
I realized tonight, I'm ready to be done. I'm ready to move on, and let the past be past. I want to be me again. the past has been too present to let it go before... but I don't think it is anymore. I think He's brought me to a new place of letting go.
I just want to settle down. Beauty for ashes... here are my ashes.