Almost 7 years ago, I went to a tent meeting in Bridger with some friends. I had been a professing Christian since I was 14, very active in my church, and trying to be what I should be. As I grew up and got older though, and my already existing problems more amplified, life became more complicated, my heart heavier, and I began dealing with more and more anger, chaos, confusion, anxiety and depression. More than that though, I had an underlying feeling of being so broken. Despite having a beautiful adoring family, and more support from friends and my church than anyone could ask for, I felt worthless, unloved and dirty.
At this backwards little tent meeting, way out in the middle of nowhere, this young, awkward, homeschooler guy in his early 20's stood up on the stage to sing. He played twangy, country/bluegrass gospel music. But as he started to play his first song, he kept getting to a spot just a few measures in and stumbling. 3 or 4 times he tried it, before stopping and asking us all to pray with him, because he felt like the enemy didn't want that song played that night.
It was at this point that my tears started pouring down my face. I don't know how, but I knew that song was for me, and I knew I needed to hear it. And as he and everyone else prayed, my heart cried and prayed along.
My tears were unstoppable as he sang his song from start to finish. The verses were ones he wrote I believe, but the chorus was from another song-
Heartaches, broken pieces,
Ruined lives are why You died on Calvary.
Your touch was what I longed for,
You have given life to me.
The song was very simple- all about how Jesus takes broken souls and makes them whole. It wasn't a particularly beautiful melody, I don't even think the singer was that talented. But that song was the most beautiful message my heart had ever heard.
I knew then that He was what I needed, the answer to all my problems. I saw how openly HE adored me, how unreservedly He pursued me. And I knew I wanted to give all that I was into His hands, to mold how he liked.
Shortly after giving my heart to my Saviour that day, I was left kneeling in confusion on my bedroom floor late one night, telling Him about my hurt and pain, about the wilderness I felt around me. It was a time of so many uncertainties, family, friends and church situations in various states of chaos, and I was sad, lonely and overwhelmed. It was in the middle of that, crying on my floor, that I saw a picture... It was of myself, walking through dessert, no one around. I was alone. And then He told me- "there will be times you are all alone, where no one will hold you up, and you will have to let them go... But I will never leave you. I promise to always go with you."
He pursued me in my very first wilderness, and he has been with through everything since.
I have been thinking about that promise these last couple weeks. There are times I am so homesick and lonely while John is at work, I don't know what to do with myself. But this wilderness, like every other He has led me through, is also beautiful and full of Himself. Because He hasn't ever left me. Even though the wilderness always seems so empty, lonely and sad, looking back, those are the times I grow to know Him more deeply and sweetly than any other. And I know, just like all the other wilderness times, I will learn to love this one as well.
Because He is here.
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